Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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