Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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