If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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