so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
