Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
