The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
