I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
