I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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