U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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