a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
