omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
