Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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