Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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