it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
