Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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