At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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