Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize