Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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