I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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