I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
