my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
