And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
