You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
