OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize