i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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