I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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