i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize