I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
