Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
