in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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