I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
