she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
