Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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