My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
