I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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