New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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