Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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