that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
