So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
