....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
