I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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