....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
