her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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