Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
FUCK WHALES
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
