He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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