If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
