I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
