Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize