Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
