I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
