I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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