please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
