Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
