Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
