I am puke
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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