The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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