I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
