I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
