Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
