You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
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