I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
